Feature Chronicles, Vol IV: A day in the life of an Indie-Production Assistant

The duality of ego and humility.

Every memory that has endured the test of time seems to have always had a duality to it—an arousing pleasure tinged with sadness, or even pain. I don’t know if too many people think of cherished memories as this, and so maybe I’m alone in feeling this way, but it seems like it’s those memories that affect us across the emotional spectrum that last. They’re striking and impactful. They not only reveal, but tell, and even perhaps teach us something about ourselves for the future. Maybe that’s why it’s always so easy to remember the end of things. Not because it’s fresh in our minds, but because it’s the time where everything is brought to the surface: the good, the bad, and the ambiguous in-between.

With such a recurring life-phenomenon, I’m learning to consider every array of emotions brought on by experiences, relationships, and journeys of varied capacities. I’m finding that it’s bittersweet, yes, but also paints a more vivid picture that draws intrigue and demands regard over time. Sweetness is neither enduring nor bold. The older I get, the more I acquire a taste for dark chocolate. The grapefruit is one that bears from the tree of life.

It’s been a week now since we wrapped this feature you’ve all been graciously reading me rant over, and I’ve gotta say, the post-wrap melancholy is FOR SURE settling in. What was going at 100 for four long weeks has been brought to an abrupt 0. The euphoric, financially-stable wave has broken and hit a vacant shore. I feel whiplashed by the sudden impact — the realization that what consumed my entire life for nearly thirty days is a thing of the past. Body fatigue is very real, and my mind is hesitant to pivot in any direction but to a downward spiral of inscrutable panic, dread, and fear of never securing another job again. Needless to say, your boy is burnt tf out…

But this is NOT my first rodeo, folks….it’s my third ;)

Anyone whose ever worked on a feature before (or, really, any set that goes longer than a week) will be able to sympathize with this kind of fatigue. It’s tough to separate yourself from the warped perspective your mind creates after such an arduous feat. Do you know what the withdrawals of Dr. Pepper and salty snacks can do to a person?! This was the sole purpose of writing out these entries, however. Since day one, it was my intention to stay grounded throughout set days — to remain calm and collected, being in control of my emotions, thoughts, values, and purpose in the face of uncertainty.

This year, I’ve really been pushing myself to stay consistent with raising my self-esteem in order to manifest the projects and life I deserve/work my ass off for. It’s harder than you might think. I’m a Scorpio man, y’all. I’ve got the XY chromosome, which means I’m terribly sensitive (in every definition of the word), and the final week of filming did plenty to knock me off of the tight rope that is my fragile ego.

I want to be clear before reminiscing on the tasks and attitudes that were allotted to me during the final days in saying that I never felt disrespected, bullied taken advantage of, or asked to do something I was uncomfortable doing at any point during my time on set. I know I just went off of my fragile ego, but I’m also pretty cognizant to the context of wrapping out a feature and all that comes with it. Stress and sensitivity levels are h.i.g.h. Time truly is money, and there is simply none left. We’ve reached the point now where there has been nothing new going on in our lives. No new updates, nothing to discuss but the film itself and the immediate headlines of our time, which is sometimes (most times) not appropriate to discuss whether it be too  morally ambiguous or depressing.

Now, considering everything I’ve logged about myself and my colleagues — our capabilities, strengths, passions, tenacities, and overall collective goal — I know that whatever is asked of me (and in what manner) is done so because of who I’ve shown to be for them and what I can subsequently do. If you present yourself as a problem-solver, you can’t get upset when someone needs you to…yeah.

But this is much easier to say with hindsight, right? When you spend hours mopping fake blood and K-Y Jelly off the floor, I think it’s fair to have a bit of a bruised ego. Especially with the contrast of last week, I felt the impact I was making for myself and others regressing a bit. I was away from the monitor, away from the director, cast out of my cozy corner of studying storyboards to shots, being on call for the actors while I worked closely with my AD and 2nd 2nd. It was during the perpetual trance-inducing strokes of the mop when I turned in on myself.

I’m the type that can get lost in the fatigue brought on by my duties. For better or worse, my ego is very malleable — I don’t know — maybe from the trauma of being a former athlete, or maybe just perpetually code-switching to ensure both my own safety and the comfortability of others. Regardless, when I give my whole self to something, I also attach that something to my self-worth, and it’s a pretty slippery slope. In layman’s terms, it’s easy for me to forget who the f*** I am out here.

The overall solution I’ve practiced for some time now can be exemplified in these last four entries. Not only did I create a dynamic where I could both challenge and check-in with myself, I could also refer back to them for minor moments of doubt throughout the journey. I focused on positive mantras, my routines, my attitude staying grateful, healthy, and embracing the community of artists around me. I was subsequently met with the same manner of consistent attitudes and energies, and I think there is a lot to be said about this process and how one can shape their entire reality.

Despite a rough last week that was truly self-induced, what made everything worthwhile and called to the surface were the self-truths that were manifested from my onset intentions. Not only were these on full display and reinforced during our wrap party, but the euphoric, drunken Uber-ride home (you can’t make this up) brought everything full circle with a motivational speech by Esther Hicks coming from the speakers:

The universe is on your side and rooting for you to get what you want. You just have to RELAX.

You so want what you want, and you innately know that you should get it. And when you’re not getting it, there’s this feeling of injustice that is so pervasive that it makes you just sort of freak out. You just have to freak out less frequently, and not be so hard on yourself when you do it.

Remind yourself: the source, the resources, are all coming together for me, because my life is supposed to go well. And things are supposed to be good for me. And life is supposed to be fun. And I am supposed to feel ease. And things are supposed to work out for me. And things ARE working out for me. And when I look at it, more is working out than isn’t.

Thank you all for following me on this little experiment of mine. Thank you to my producers and my colleagues for working with me and believing in me. Though I am a bit mentally and physically bruised, I am so far from being lost or uncertain. I look forward to seeing what I can share and manifest through my continued practices. Till next time, friends.