Recently, I was reminded of my great-grandfather’s love for gardening. Most of my memories of him are from an early age, and I’m grateful for that, as these raw experiences have become pillars for my morals, beliefs, and — more specifically — what I believe is possible. His name was Samuel James: a stern, sensible, gentle, and forbearing soul who grew up in mid-twentieth-century America. He moved his family from Florida to escape the Jim Crow South, learning self-reliance in the most trying times. Gardening, in a way, was a perfect duality for him — requiring patience and care, which countered the harshness of his circumstances. Whether he knew it or not, I’m sure the practice provided a sense of peace and release.
I was about six or seven when I first remember being in his garden, a mid-sized plot behind his Seattle townhome. What stood out most was how natural it felt to take in my surroundings. It was easy for me to pick up on the atmosphere, on the vibe. Very little was actually said while we were there. He would briefly tell me what he was growing and how, then let the garden itself offer its quiet wisdom. What I came to understand was the power and simplicity of nurturing something to life.
I see my great-grandfather in everything I do. His qualities — patience, care, and faith — are ones I know I possess as I nurture my own garden. Life, however, has a way of complicating and obscuring things. Doubts creep in through trauma, faith can falter from experience, and belief in what’s possible is often stifled by time — or the lack thereof. But these challenges don’t change the inherent nature of creation: with care, patience, and faith, anything we cultivate can reach its full potential. I’ve been reminding myself of these truths as I’ve watched my own intentions and projects take shape this year. It’s brought me to the point where I’m ready to fully dive into something that’s been a priority for a long time: producing, writing, and directing a short film. In doing so, I feel as though I am finally coming into my own.
It’s taken many failures to get to this point, and I think it’s important to highlight them as a requisite for success. The inclination of making a film started in 2019 while in film school at LMU. This was the first time I was able to see some projects of mine come to fruition. I had just made a short animation with my roommate and was blessed to have a good friend of mine direct a script I wrote. Everything seemed so simple back then. The momentum was growing, for sure, and maybe if it hadn’t been for the pandemic, things would’ve progressed a bit quicker. Now, I wouldn’t say that I’m a believer in things happening to you are always for a reason, but I do believe in being put in certain positions/circumstances to grow and subsequently things happening for you as they should. The pandemic taught me a lot of things (of which I’m sure will be the topic of many posts in the future), but mainly exposed me to the independent film world, the makings of an entire production, and the person one has to be in order to see it through. Needless to say, I had a lot of growing ahead of me. In hindsight, I was an acorn with the delusion of being a tree. Isn’t that always how it goes?
So — what does it require, at least, speaking for myself? A whole lot of determination, grit, vulnerability, sacrifice, a community of individuals who believe in your vision, and CONSISTENCY. These are all things that I’ve struggled with and continue to this day, but mainly the latter. In striving to organically enhance these qualities, I’ve taken many metaphorical and literal L’s over the past four years. When you are timid about what you want out of life, you not only obscure the future, but potentially hurt others in the process. With that said, other vital qualities of nurturing oneself are grace, humility, and communication.
One of the best insights I received while in film school was that an artist cannot write or create something that they themselves haven’t settled internally. I know this to be the case because it feels effortless to talk about my past self-transgressions, which hasn’t always been the case, and I simply wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t made significant progress with accumulating these qualities. I know I just spoke on humility, but your boy is maybe too confident in my accountability and self-discernment. I’ve put in time working several productions of length/variation/jobs, done the shadow and persona work, and put myself out there to be able to effectively garner a community of creatives who bask and flourish in similar gardens.
As the old adage goes — my art will imitate my life. Throughout my life, change has been a constant companion and has manifested in various forms. Discovering one’s identity in a chaotic world has been a paradoxical journey of growth, where beauty and horror intertwine. The allure of duality in both transformation and self-preservation remains elusive to articulate in words alone. These complexities are what’s fueled my passion for storytelling through film.
*Heavy sigh* So…without any further ado, I’d like to present to you:
DEADENING tells the story of a reserved Black man and his partner struggling to build a home amidst the complexities of their interracial relationship. Their journey takes a dark turn when his repressed demons manifest as a sinister sleep entity, blurring the lines between reality and nightmare. The film serves as a poignant cautionary tale, exploring the pitfalls of relying on codependent relationships. Through the main character’s journey, viewers are confronted with the consequences of seeking self-fulfillment through others, using physical intimacy as a facade to mask deep-seated anxieties.
Dissociation emerges as both a sanctuary and a snare, illustrating its dual nature as a protective refuge that ultimately stifles personal growth and self-awareness. The film explores how retreating into 'the void' can prevent individuals from fully engaging with their own lives, highlighting the profound consequences of prolonged dissociation.
At its core, the narrative tackles the universal theme of loneliness, inviting audiences to ponder the age-old question: Is it safer to cling to familiar demons or brave the uncertainties of self-discovery? As the boundaries between reality and nightmare blur, the film challenges viewers to confront their own existential dilemmas and consider the true cost of human connection.
I’m overjoyed and terribly anxious to share this journey of pre-production with you. Admittedly, I’m a bit behind already — though — was astonished at how quickly things started moving after eight long months of speaking it out loud/talking shit with my chest OUT. Throughout this journey, I'll be able to hold myself accountable once again, while also introducing the people who have encouraged and joined me in bringing this project to life.
Information, inspirations and other resources will be made available soon for anyone who would also like to show their support:) I’ll need all the fertilizer I can get. Till next time, friends.
Follow the film’s Instagram page here!
