Why I Want to be a Filmmaker: Answering the Call
Aside from everything, picture my big *fine* ass in a cubicle. What. A. Waste.
It's essential to start any project with clear-cut intentions because, like anything in life, it takes more than just discipline and talent to see it through. You need passion, perseverance, and the grit crystallized from the many trials and errors of previous life aspirations. That's why it's so important to become comfortable with what might be perceived as failure. In reality, these moments, at least in my experience, are moments of clarity.
There will always be gaps in knowledge—“unknown unknowns”—until you see yourself from that perspective. It's like buying a FRESH pair of jeans and expecting them to fit perfectly right away. You have to wear them a lot, stretch them out, fall a few times, maybe get a few tears here and there, for them to fit comfortably and for that fit to look fresh. As far as others' perceptions go, people can tell when someone is stiff or not yet comfortable in what they're wearing. It takes time for it to feel like a second skin.
That’s why I’ve been so patient in owning my profession. It’s not enough for me to just tell others I want to make films without fully understanding what that perspective entails—the extent to which someone needs to grasp the prerequisites of manifesting a dream into reality.
First comes mindful thoughts, then self-loving actions. What follows is a conscious routine, and only then a subsequent perspective that enables a fulfilling journey. What was once a conscious intention eventually becomes a harmonious way of being, until it is simply the essence of your soul. In this regard, there is a profound difference between saying something and being something. I’ve spent a great deal of time putting myself in circumstances and scenarios that have allowed my purpose to come to the surface with a solid foundation of conscientious intentions.
What has made me so self-assured in my intentions to be a filmmaker is that it came as a conclusion to what I sought for my life in general: creative freedom, to understand, and to be understood. To be clear, there is nothing glamorous or promising about being an independent filmmaker—or pursuing a profession in independent filmmaking at all. The only absolutely promised is the likelihood of financial instability and subsequent stress. You find yourself sacrificing time with family and friends. You become selfish with your own time and establish boundaries that may not be well received by others. Living your purpose as the most authentic version of yourself will not come easy, because life is far from easy.
With that being said, this was not a decision, but a calling. So when someone asks me why I want to be a filmmaker or do what I’m doing, I have many reasons to base my answer on, because I have my entire self to answer. Here are a few:
I am (wholly) unsatisfied…
Let me just say that there are many ways to be inspired. When it comes to art and movies in general, I’ve always struggled with appreciating what is while also holding it accountable of what it does and what it goes about saying — whether intentional or subliminally. One of the harder pills to swallow that came as a slow revelation about Hollywood is that it is an entertainment industry. As simple as it sounds, its main intention… are to entertain and to make money.
Now to be clear, I can’t overstate how possible it is to captivate viewers with character-driven storytelling that conveys sympathetic viewpoints from authentic perspectives, but there is a LOT that goes into accomplishing this when considering: A) who is making these films, B) their perspective of people who look like me, and C) the depth of their understanding of that perspective.
Given who I am, the life I’ve lived, the things I’ve discerned, the traumas I’ve faced, the societal pressures I’ve endured, and the stereotypes I’ve withstood, I am wholly unsatisfied with what is currently out there. The Black experience in finding one’s identity is, to me, akin to what film is: art. It is a profound reflection and expression of the human condition, capturing the essence of our emotions, struggles, triumphs, and the myriad experiences that shape our existence. It expresses emotions, reflects reality, explores beauty, provokes thought, serves as a catalyst for change, and, most importantly, stands as a timeless record of experience.
To convey this, sometimes “entertainment” within an industry deeply rooted in stereotypical tropes must be sacrificed. It is not my job nor intention to entertain others with my work. I aim to give people not what they want, but what they need in the message conveyed. Ultimately, the theme of my work will be that there are no shortcuts in discerning your identity. You must first start by loving yourself. (OR ELSE!)
It’s the only way to tell the truth…
I’ve always loved science fiction, horror, and fantasy. It seems to be a genre I’ve been drawn to my entire life, starting with films like Labyrinth or The NeverEnding Story. Both stories serve as cautionary tales on the path of self-discovery, responsibility, and maturity, highlighting the significance of choices, the power of imagination and belief, transformation and identity, as well as identity and transformation.
Some films in the genre also make “subtle” remarks about the external world. Remember when Luke Skywalker returned home to find that his entire family was murdered by the authoritarian government, joined a rebel alliance, dismantled their weapon of mass destruction, and we all cheered at the collapse of the imperial government and the formation of the new republic? What a time.
There are films that combine both an internal and external glimpse of the human experience. One of my most cherished films ever, Ridley Scott’s Prometheus, explores several profound themes about the external world and humanity’s place within it. It delves into existential questions about the origins of life, the pursuit of knowledge, and the potential consequences of humanity’s actions. These are the truths of my reality that are veiled under cinema. This is the entertainment I can bring forth.
I find myself alive during a time of great renaissance and social awareness. My intentions seem perfectly aligned with the timeline of the universe.
It’s the best form of communication for me…
For someone whose vocation revolves around language, I have always struggled to communicate what I’m feeling or dealing with emotionally throughout my life. It’s what prompted me to take my writing more seriously as I grew older (aside from failing Psych 1 as a psychology major at Boston College), because I found that poetry and lyrical essays could express obscure emotions in a comprehensive way.
What a privilege and honor it would be to eloquently convey my own struggles as a universal sentiment, I thought. Even so, where words fall short, imagery and sound can thrive. As someone who uses all their senses for the betterment and safety of their own life, I am well-equipped to capture the more nebulous themes of the human condition.
I owe it to myself, and to others…
Imagine dedicating yourself entirely to an intention or end goal, only to abandon it once you’ve arrived, out of fear of how others perceive it or what it will require of you in the future. I guess this is where the appreciation of time passing comes into play, because my confidence to stand firm in my purpose could not have come without the wisdom brought forth by hard times, perspective, and knowledge.
To be clear, there will always be impediments in this field, and I’ve learned that the only way to overcome them is to acknowledge their existence and have confidence in the hindsight gained from past experiences. But sometimes that isn’t enough. You’ll find that your success in anything you set out for is greatly influenced by the quality of the people you surround yourself with. Thus, the most beautiful intention I hold as a foundation for being a filmmaker is to create more opportunities for those like-minded individuals who’ve helped me see myself by fostering a collaborative environment.
I use the word “beautiful” because this realization has come through the solidarity of the work itself—through the pursuit of the craft. Whether it’s doubt, fear, crippling poverty, imposter syndrome, anxiety, or occasional existential dread, my community has supported me in more ways than just with food or funds. I owe my progress to more than just myself. A lot of work has gone into making my journey possible, and I will spend my entire life thanking them.
Because I can (Why not?)…
No matter how complex my internal monologue gets or how dismissive the imaginary critics in my mind are, my reason is simple: I want to be a filmmaker because I can, because I have the ability, and because I deserve it. As René Descartes famously said, 'I think; therefore I am.' For creatives like me, this means that every step forward starts with a vision. I've never gotten anywhere in life without first imagining myself there, then pushing myself into uncomfortable situations until who I was transformed into who I am. This journey of growth and self-discovery is at the heart of my desire to create films that inspire and challenge others.