The Pre-Production of DEADENING

Vol I: Looking down, but never back.

So much of my focus lately has been in pushing myself to reach new heights with DEADENING. Coming out on top by meeting my self-expectations and fulfilling priorities is the goal, for sure, but I am finding that you (your boy) cannot actually understand the underlying emotion that sits underneath the surface until you get to the bottom of things. Perhaps it was only at this vantage point that I could look further down and see what’s been troubling me.

September was a very long month, y’all. Outside of DEADENING obligations, a shift in both the dynamics and boundaries with a loved one, as well as the untimely death of a family friend, the consistency of my various set jobs have increased exponentially — something that I preyed for and is slowly becoming the norm. My schedule no longer allows a luxury of downtime that is not productive in some way if I want to get everything done, and it’s demanding a lot from my own self-discipline. I look back on my perspective during the pandemic, wondering with my idle time how disciplined I’d have to be if I wanted all of my aspirations to be practical. Now, I’m busy as hell, barely keeping my head above water. Occasionally, however, it feels more like I’m being suspended from my legs, and it’s only my head that is submerged.

It’s a testing time for sure — a test of my patience, my time, discipline, routines and subsequently my peace of mind. I feel very anxious, though, in a way where my eagerness and excitement bump against my fear and apprehension. Maybe I’m just not used to things going this perfectly, but the hot and cold winds have forged a whirlwind of distress in my mind — poorly veiled by a stoic demeanor, clenched jaw and, regrettably, a LOT of cigarettes.

What is the DEAL, Malachi?

Just for clarity purposes, let me explain just how exceptional pre-production is going. Spring time of 2024 was utilized in creating the pitch deck for DEADENING. A wonderful friend and mentor, Peter Cicella—whose directorial debut we had just wrapped—graciously offered his help in bringing my particular (maybe a little over-the-top) vision for each slide to life. It was the very first means of collaboration I experienced working on DEADENING, and it couldn’t have gone better. In fact, in hindsight, it was a mere glimpse of how this process would play out many times with different individuals attached to the project. The organic back and forth, the sharing, revising, re-revising, and patience from the both of us resulted in something that is a piece of art in itself. I’m very grateful for the amount of time spent on getting something just right through collaboration, because it turned out to be something better than I could’ve imagined. Now I can let the project speak for itself and feel comfortable quite literally throwing that BEAUTIFUL pitch deck at anyone who comes within a 3 ft. radius of me — watch out ;)

With this pillar firmly implanted, I felt very comfortable balancing my regular obligations while organically creating buzz around the project. I was fortunate to work on my second feature of the year over the summer, and I was also in pre-production for my friend Kristen’s short film. It felt like the more conscious intentions and actions I made towards becoming immersed in independent filmmaking, the more my life began to naturally align with said environment. Not only was I in a safe space with well-known creatives, I was finally able in a position to WOW everyone with an upcoming project while also getting to practice speaking about it.

Here’s your reminder: give yourself time to grow—in every small aspect and tier. Don’t try to skip steps on the staircase of success. You may not trip, but wouldn’t you rather be thorough? Speaking about DEADENING was its own challenge, but over time, I found myself becoming more comfortable and confident. Practice with your loved ones, strangers, the mirror—anyone or anything that’ll stay put for a moment. 

Everything up to this point had been excellent fertilizer. By August, Kristen and I had built an even closer rapport on our creative visions, and it felt natural to ask her to be a producer on DEADENING. Watching her grow and boldly navigate unknown territory on her own shoot was profoundly inspiring. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to express just how impactful it was for me. From there, crew assembly was like a domino effect. I vibed so well with Kristen’s DP, Brook Lee Karner, that it made sense to ask them about joining my project. With Brook on board, word spread to one of their longtime collaborators, Hae Ji Cho, who also signed on as producer. Suddenly, I was surrounded by determined, capable creatives who had far more experience than I did. At this point, DEADENING started to take on a life of its own.

I’m learning a great deal of things, successfully discerning and taking them in stride. August and September were dedicated to applying for several grants and sponsorships—many of which I’d never heard of before (Voices With Impact, Panavision, Pandora, Film Independent—all FREE, by the way). Through the process, I realized just how much potential DEADENING had to make a significant impact on my life.

That said, I’m feeling a powerful duality of humility and confidence, which can be overwhelming at times. I’ve had euphoric highs and anxious lows, but I’m incredibly thankful for my team, who I can lean on in moments of distress. Persistence in the face of failure is often seen as a trait that gives someone power over their destiny. But in reality, persistence only works because, eventually, the right combination of people help you succeed.

So here I am — at the highest plateau of self-promotion and subsequent exposure than I’ve ever been before. The air is much thinner up here; it requires that I utilize every breath and keep my mind focused and healthy. I look down and realize that it is not the height that’s  giving me vertigo, but the staggering realization that my fear comes from success, and not from failure.

Failing is too easy, y’all. Your boy has failed a-many times in his life, sometimes on a daily/hourly basis. Success, on the other hand, is something I’m unfamiliar with, and I’m still trying to figure out whether that stems from outside influences or the acts and thoughts of self-sabotage that keep me in a comfort zone. What I do know, is that I’ve been trying to figure this out for a long time, and finally feel fully invested in the notion that the only person standing in my way is myself.

The clarity from my accomplishments and faith in other people’s sentiments towards myself and my work has allowed me to dig a little deeper. It’s high time that I began uprooting the weeds in my garden, and so, all is going according to plan.

As my team and I go out and search for locations, continue casting, gather contributors, draft a crowdfunding campaign, (impatiently) wait to hear back from the promising grants and sponsorships, I will continue to remind myself that every completed task will serve as evidence of the individual I am: someone who loves themselves and their community. Until next time, I will strive to remain disciplined with my self-proactive routines and stray from things that cloud my judgement of who I am and what I’m capable of.